Tips To Guarantee Failure As A Blogger Or Webmaster

These tips have been collected by observing the methods of various bloggers and webmasters from around the globe. I think (and ohh Jeebus I hope!) that by reading these tips we can all learn something… Especially them.

Getting started:

  • Decide what topic or ‘micro niche’ you are going to grow your internet empire on. It will be helpful to visit several online webmaster forums and post the question “What is the best paying topic and keywords for a new website?” in as many off-topic places that you can find.
  • Find the cheapest, slowest web host that you can. Since you can hardly speak a word of English you will obviously be targeting visitors in the United States, so it is best to find a web host located in the “datacenter” basement of a restaurant in a 3rd world country (that one across the street from your favorite Tea Shop/Internet Cafe should do just fine).
  • Carefully choose your domain name. The name should be grammatically incorrect and copied from a successful website in your same niche but with a special twist. For example: iphone-infos
  • Whenever possible select a .info or .my extension. It is a known fact that most internet users trust and prefer these or other unknown TLD’s over those old and worn-out .COM domains that seem to be everywhere
  • After your web server is up and running, don’t waste any time applying security updates. This is an unnecessary process and it could negatively effect the layout of the dynamite content that you are preparing to steal from everybody else that actually puts work and effort into their blog or website.

Content Creation:

  • Spend no more than 15 minutes Google searching keywords on your niche-topic and copy and paste the high ranking articles onto your site.  Be sure that all images are hot-linked to the originals.
  • Remember: Quantity is far more important than quality – so be sure you have at least 300 pages of basically the same 2 subjects.  Re-write the pages with an auto-blogger or ‘rewriting’ tool set to “maximum word diversity”.  Don’t worry, nobody is going notice if it ends up making about as much sense as a bowl of alphabet-soup thrown against a wall.

Advertisements:

  • Now that you have your website up and running with all of the pages and content you’ll ever need, put on as many advertisements that you can possibly squeeze in onto every page.
  • Secret Tip: when you run out of room for ads, make the font size of your stolen content smaller to make more room. It’s best if you use font size 3 or 4.
  • If you find that you still need to squeeze in more ads, just delete large sections of your content to make room. Don’t worry, people don’t like ‘wordy’ information-ridden posts anyway.
  • Don’t concern yourself about placing more ads per page than are allowed by the ad-network’s terms and conditions – that’s their problem, not yours. As a matter of fact, the less you read about those advertiser’s terms and policies the better. You don’t want to seem like a know-it-all in the webmaster forums when you post “Why did Google ban my Adsense account?“.
  • Of course, since everyone loves pop-up ads, be sure to include several of those along with as many interstitials you can get in before your slow, vastly overloaded shared-server starts throwing PHP memory errors.

SEO:

  • Now it’s time to forget about improving your website any further and move on to SEO, which as all of your SEO expert friends hanging out at the free-internet cafe/Tea Shop will tell you is a very important factor in getting rich online.  They obviously know what they are talking about because just look at how many of them are rich!
  • Invest all of that money you saved on hosting into as many “guaranteed new way to beat Google” systems that you can find.
  • If the first several techniques to “rank #1 on Google overnight guaranteed” don’t work, or if the stranger that you gave all of your money to just plain ripped you off without even giving you anything in return, don’t give up! Keep looking for the system that offers the FASTEST, EASIEST way (look for all CAPS and bold typeface so you know it’s real) – There is absolutely no reason to think that you will get the exact same results the next time you do the exact same thing.
  • Be consistent in doing the exact same thing over and over until you get it right.  Quitters never win, right?!

Link building:

As your SEO expert friends will tell you, building links to your website is a very important SEO tactic in getting rich online.

  • Easily build back-links yourself by making posts in online forums or blogs and discretely leaving a link back to your website. This is one of the best ways to build links and the best part is that nobody will even notice!
  • Be sure to look for forums and blogs that have nothing in common with your website niche. For example – if your website is about “High Tech Toys”, seek out blogs and forums about cancer recovery help or newly grieving parents support groups. It’s this diversity in interests that everyone at those websites will appreciate.
  • When posting your links in forums that have nothing at all to do with your website, be sure to include helpful information or tips like “I truly appreciated this gorgeous weblog. Make confident you maintain up the very good function. Very best Regards” No webmaster or blogger in their right-mind would ever consider deleting such an excellent comment like this! Heck, how would they ever even know it was just you trying to slip in a link in under the radar? Links like this are GOLD and nobody else knows about this!
  • Another unknown SEO trick is to be sure to always use poor english and horrible grammar when posting your tips and links in other blogs and forums. This is the best way to instill a look of professionalism and a feeling of trust in potential visitors to your new website.

Social Network Marketing:

Any good webmaster or blogger knows the importance of leveraging the power of the social network layer for optimal strategic analysis of focusing social media activities on social networking for maximum effective stragification.

  • To get started, go to every social networking website that you can find and create a fake profile with a realistic name like “Rose Luvulot” and be sure to use only one profile image.
  • It’s best to get your profile image from an old crumpled magazine page that is at least 5 years old so everyone knows that your profile is of a real sexy girl and not really some guy with a dark black beard and a single eyebrow.
  • Since you obviously can’t afford to purchase a scanner to scan your profile image just go to the tea shop/internet cafe and ask them to scan the image with their 1994 vintage scanner. Be sure to save it in BMP format.
  • Search Google Images for as many other sexy pictures of women that look nothing at all like your profile image and load them up in all of your photo albums. These other pictures will be your real-life ‘friends’ and will surely entice all of the male visitors to go to your website.
  • Add/follow/circle all of your other genius social network marketing friends with their similarly realistic profiles so everyone knows how popular you are with the other fake female profiles.
  • Browse through as many real profiles and real people (potential website visitors!) that clearly have no interest in your website topic or have no idea who you are and add/friend/follow/circle them.
  • Repeat this process on every social networking service you can find and keep doing it until you hit the limit of people that you can add. Everybody knows that real girls always have 5,000 – 50,0000 thousand online friends so this is a sure fire way to get maximum leverage from your social networking stragification.
  • Share/post/tweet and private-message the same link to your website, with no other information or anything interesting to say about it, to everyone that you have added/followed and do this as much as humanly possible – shoot for at least 500 times per day.
  • Don’t concern yourself if the people you have “friended” or Circled get angry and irritated, this is how you know you’ve got their attention. Remember, 99% of social media marketing is about irritating as many people as you can.  The other 1% is doing it as often as possible.
Captain Picard hates spam
Now get that sh!t off my bridge!

Email Marketing:

  • Email marketing is the best way to let millions of people that have absolutely no interest in your website know that it’s there. Once these victims know that it exists you can then “re market” them several times per day just in case they missed all of the other personalized “email marketing” messages that you’ve sent them today.
  • To get started just buy a list of 1,000,000,000 “good email addresses”.  Be sure that you get the list that only costs $9.99 and is at least 5 years old. The longer these people have been using email the better they will respond.
  • If you are able to find one, buy an email address list that is “guaranteed to be real addresses“. You might have to pay a bit more, but this type of email address list will be better because these are the people that clicked on the “stop sending me these emails” link, so you know they are real and responsive and will obviously appreciate your email marking even more.
  • Because the majority of the email addresses that you are targeting will be in the United States, be sure to write the sales-pitch for your website with the worst grammar and as many mis-spelled words that you can. Much like when posting your links in online forums and blogs, this is the best way to instill a feeling of trust and cultivate an image of professionalism.

SECRET EMAIL MARKETING TIP #1: Have one of your friends at the free internet cafe that always wears some sort of wrapping on his head write your email marketing pitch in one of those languages that uses the squiggly lines and dashes instead of english letters! Americans cannot resist this kind of “culture” and this will surely guarantee them flocking to your new website!
SECRET EMAIL MARKETING TIP #2: Make sure that the link to your website does not actually work! This will make the recipient so curious to know more about it they will find a way to get there resulting in loads of visitors!

  • Shoot your email marketing money-shot as many times per day as you can before your free email service disables your account.
  • When your free email account becomes disabled, just create another free account and be sure to not  give any thought to the name you use because everybody knows that “GHT7444RTZ @ Yahoo.com” must be legit.

 

All of this hard work is going to take at least an hour, but since you are virtually guaranteed to be rolling in cash any minute, now is the time to bring in professional help. Hiring someone else to do this highly complex work will free up more of your time to focus on MLM systems and ripping off people on eBay.

Professional Content Building:

  • Go back to those webmaster forums that you’ve never helped anyone at, and post the question “What are the highest paying keywords?“.
  • Be sure to post this question in the Introductions area, the “suggestions area”, the “Apache” section, and pretty much as many different, unrelated sections that you are able to before they ban your account.
  • After they ban your account, create a new fake account to read all the helpful responses that are sure to come your way.
  • Now that you know which keywords will pay you the most, hire a “content cultivator” to scrape content from all of the suckers that have actually invested time and energy into their high-quality, legitimate websites.
  • Don’t be concerned that this content with the high paying keywords has nothing to do with your micro-niche – we’re way past that now. Remember, Quantity is King!

Professional SEO Services:

  • Ask all of your friends at the internet cafe if any are professional SEO’s and hire the one that is too stupid to realize that he will never get paid.
  • Make sure he’s qualified by checking that he ranks no better than page 129 in Google searches for keywords like “SEO service” or “Best SEO in Mumbai“, or “guaranteed to get your website on page 1 of Google overnight“.
  • Be direct with your new professional SEO and let him know that you expect no less than 10,000 automated back links to your new website per day.
  • Your SEO may try to tell you to go easy with only 7,000 or 8,000 automated back links per day to avoid a Google penalty, but we all know that the more links you can get in as fast as possible is better, so remind him who’s the boss in this arrangement

 

There will be other issues that arise in the hour or so of work that you invest into your internet empire, and that is where those online forums that you got banned from earlier can be very helpful.

  • When an issue arises that you need help with or have questions about, just create another fake account.
  • If the forum requires you to make 4 or 5 comments on other people’s posts before creating your own new topic, just post comments like “this was very helpful” on as many other topics as necessary.
  • When asking your question in the online help and support forums for webmasters, be sure to state it clearly and to the point like “Tell me how to rank #1 on Google“, don’t ask anything stupid that can’t possibly be answered in an online forum.
  • When reviewing the helpful answers that you will surely get, just skip over the Negative Nellies that say things like “build a quality website” or “write good, original content” or this old classic “it takes a lot of time and hard work“. Yahh Right! If they are working so hard what are they doing in this online forum helping other people?!
  • Look for the one or two responses from members with very low post-counts, unpronounceable names, and avatars that look like Tom Cruise that post smart things like “it’s simple to get on page 1 of Google! PM me for details“, or “my black-hat method will get you there overnight“. It’s these like-minded thinkers that you know you can trust because they are probably from the same country as you.

Now take all that helpful information and everything that you’ve learned in your empire building adventure, completely ignore it, and start your next new website. But this time, don’t put in so much work and look for an easier way.

 

What are your tips for failure? Post a comment below to share with all the content-scrapers.

10 thoughts on “Tips To Guarantee Failure As A Blogger Or Webmaster

  1. Oh my word, I had tears of laughter as I read this! Back when I was first getting started in the blogging world, a close friend and I coined the term “swampige” for all the noise and visual chaos that many new bloggers slap all over their page. I’m guilty of a bit of swampige on my blog page, but as I don’t monetize my writing, it’s at a relatively sane level of the non-invasive variety. At least, that’s what I tell myself. 🙂

    – Dawn

  2. such a good post and dont believe some people do not think that way. I go to a lot of meetups and its so funny to hear how people think they will quit there jobs six months after starting there website!!!

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